I knew it would be a necessarily cleanse I was long overdue for… but I didn’t expect to find the clarity I had been seeking as well.
Our world has been turned upside down these last few years. We’ve all hunkered down at home, secluded ourselves from our loved ones, been weary about socializing and spreading and just plain LIVING. Gosh it’s been exhausting. And if you’re anything like me, I turned to the outlet I felt like would help me to hang on to at least a glimmer of some of those friendships and belonging and entertainment: social media. I had grown overly attached to it and was using it as a crutch for all that I felt was missing in my life.
But you know what? It cost me more than it filled me. I wasted myself in the hours I gave to Instagram every single day. It was a mindless reflex – in any quiet moment, I found my thumb swiping and tapping and scrolling.
And as I took this break this last month, and let myself just be still and feel the s i l e n c e when it came, I was able to meditate and pray and remember how good it felt to allow myself to hear my thoughts. And His whisperings to me. And it’s then that I realized that that’s actually what I’ve missed the most – my relationship with my Heavenly Parents. Talking with them throughout the day about all the things – big and small. In becoming so wrapped up in “keeping up” or oversharing, I shut out any opportunity for true communion and communication with my Mother and Father above. And I’ve missed them. And I can tell they’ve missed me, too.
My relationship with them was really damaged during our journey through infertility. And even when our miracle came, I still chose to shut them out… still feeling that bitter sting of resentment. But also maybe feeling so much guilt in not letting them in and allowing them to carry me through more of the journey. I was so angry for so long – I couldn’t help but think I caused myself more pain and tears and waiting for just not asking them to take the load from me in the first place.
There have been so many times in my life where I have felt that, though. We all have. Times where we know we should be praying and asking for help or for guidance or comfort, but are just too prideful or angry to let anyone in. I’ve always chosen to learn the hard way through most things in life. But I’m slowly, finally, learning that it doesn’t have to be that way. We can still go through hard things without them feeling so absolutely crushing. God is there to lift the burdens; to make our weak parts stronger. We still have to walk through the bad, but His mercy comes to relieve us from some of the pain and anguish those hard roads will inevitably bring us.