My brain hasn’t turned off since you entered this world. It’s a rare occasion that I sit, uninterrupted, without distraction. Most of the time, I create those distractions. I think I’m scared of the feelings that may appear if I sit in silence for too long.
The work I’m doing is much harder than I ever imagined it to be while I waited for you all those years. And I think I’m starting to finally understand that it’s never going to get ‘easier’. Once I feel accomplished in one aspect of caring for you, another hurdle comes into our path. I will be constantly learning and trying to keep up while you are growing at lightning speed right in front of me.
I’ve been avoiding the reflection that needs to happen. Reflection means facing the feelings – the fears, the guilt, the expectations, the past… and sometimes it all just feels to overwhelming alongside keeping us both alive day in and day out. I can’t even fix my hair every day. Why would I be able to fix my state of mind?
I mostly feel like we’re surviving. Motherhood is a constant guessing game. Eternal decision making on your behalf… and feeling defeated most of the time because I probably didn’t get it right today.
But the reflection needs to happen now. So that I can start enjoying these fleeting moments with you.
Is it my perfectionism that is hindering my ability to accept the unenjoyable, flawed, messy moments that fill our days? Perhaps I’m trying too hard to get everything right the first time. But my failed attempts and incessant over-thinking is clouding my vision of how absolutely beautiful my days are wrapped up with you. I get to hold you and kiss you and breathe you in every second of every day. How could I so quickly forget the hours and months and years I spent pleading and crying for that?
What is it that changed so abruptly the second you came into my arms that made me so incredibly anxious and rigid all the time? Can we blame the hormones? Because I don’t want to think it was ever intentional.
Perhaps it’s just the new role I automatically had to assume. It’s the responsibility. I have never been responsible for something so precious… so important. You. Are. Everything. And the world I’m creating and building for you right now is shaping you and teaching you into everything that you will be. It’s only normal for me to overthink every tiny step in fear that what I’m doing is not enough for all that you are.
I think back to my days of pleading for you often. How badly I begged for you. And how often I thought about the ‘why’s’ for you not already being here. I wrote a poem back then that I think to myself often lately.
Sometimes I think it's because I'm not ready. Maybe you are so special that He's making sure I am extra prepared for everything you are and all that you will bring down with you. I'm so lucky to be your mama.
I’m so lucky to be your mama. But damn, is it hard to be a mama. What a mantle that title holds.
Perfectionism is a loaded word, too. When you call yourself a perfectionist, assumptions are automatically made that you achieve perfection in every aspect of your life. That you accept nothing less. Unfortunately, that’s rarely the case. A perfectionist, at least in my experience, feels more like a mental disorder than anything, haha. It causes you to want perfection in everything, and when it is unattainable, it causes abnormal amounts of stress, compared to anyone else without this mindset.
So as I’ve been in this new role of mother, you can only imagine how unattainable perfectionism is in regards to any piece of my day. I want a orderly home, a routine, a picturesque playroom…I want to know what’s coming, what to expect… or at least time to react when something doesn’t go according to my plans. AND WE GET NONE OF THIS. I had a hard enough time controlling this when it was just me and Nate. Your tiny little body impacts every second of my day and every part of our new world. Somehow your existence keeps nearly everything from going according to plan.
So how do I let go of this constant stress and mental fatigue of wanting every. single. thing. to be and look and act like I want… and just enjoy the mess of it all?
Here’s what I’ve learned so far:
- Embrace the things you can control. Give yourself grace with the things you cannot.
- Keep your expectations low. Nothing ever really goes as planned.
- Your gut is your guide – not the ‘experts’. This was one of the biggest things that has helped lately. Your motherly intuition is there for a reason. Your sweet baby was sent down to you from our Heavenly Parents, and I believe whole-heartedly that every single instinct you get for your little one is coming from Them. Trust yourself.
- Have a spot for everything – even if nothing gets put away until the end of the day, waking up to a clean space will energize you, rather than depress you.
- Choose the cuddles over control. The cuddles are fleeting. Attempting to control most situations will most likely end in failure (lol) and will cause your baby to feel your stress… which doesn’t help anything! If they just want you, be there with them.
- Take every opportunity to sleep. Even if this means pulling them into bed with you.
- Stop comparing. In every aspect of your life.
- Communicate your needs (or worries or frustrations, etc.) to your partner. I still don’t do this often enough, but it always feels so good to get things off my chest every once in a while. And Nate has been so good at listening and understanding and stepping up to help after I make my expectations more obvious to him.
This is only the beginning. I’ve been working on this post for a few months now, and I can confidently say that I have come SUCH a long way since I first started writing these thoughts down. I’ve learned to be able to let go of so much worry and mess and just enjoy our days for what they are. Yes- I’m still exhausted and at a loss for how to entertain and teach and feed and take care of myself and Ellis every single day… but I’m also not wanting to trade any of that for anything. The days are already going by way too fast, and I can’t help but think that we’re already just a few months away from his first birthday.
I know the hurdles will keep coming and I’ll have to re-learn a lot of this over and over again. But I guess I want to say to anyone else out there experiencing these feelings with me… just be patient with yourself! And your baby. The first six months absolutely rocked me. I know any first time mother can resonate with that feeling. We don’t talk enough about how hard it is… and I’m not saying that to complain. I guess I just say it because as someone who likes to plan and know what to expect most of the time, I just wish someone had warned me about all the big and little things I’d be learning and deciding on and juggling, etc. But then again, nothing can really prepare you for what your life will be once your baby is in your arms.
Love yourself and trust yourself. There are millions of other mamas out there doing and thinking and struggling with the exact same thing as you today. Try to find some solace in that. You’re never alone in this. Please reach out if you feel that you are. Talking to others – friends and ‘strangers’ – has been hugely healing for me. I’d love to be that for you if you’re needing someone to lean on.
